More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
