Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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