I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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