what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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