He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
