I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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