I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
