Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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