after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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