Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i think i scared a bird with my dick
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
