I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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