I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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