Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
