He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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