Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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