when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
there is glitter all over my balls
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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