She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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