I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
