farters have to be the big spoon...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
