I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
