you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
