I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
