On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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