3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Farmville is her only friend.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
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