did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
