I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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