I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
