Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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