if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just found puke in my bra..
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
