I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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