i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
