There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
