just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
