if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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