I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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