I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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