I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
