Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
