fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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