I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
