Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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