So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
