quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He did a backflip because drugs
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