I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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