not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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