dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
