Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
