weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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