a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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