Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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