I think my vagina is haunted
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
