I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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