I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Randomize
