Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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