Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
