im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
