Heybabeimwearingurpanties
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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