im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
